Thank You Teacher, Good Lesson.

This morning, I woke up to an email form someone unhappy with my previous blog. I was very upset about it. Other things were said in the email that cut me deep and I spent a good portion of the morning in tears. I had a reactionary response (something I am working on) and shared my distress with a few people. Their response was overwhelming. It was exactly what I needed. There was a lesson to be learned. I just had to stop reacting and listen and see what the lesson was. Today, I learned a lot, about myself, about my friends and about no regrets and letting go.

The last post was a raw and open one. It was pure in emotion and straight from my heart. This may be upsetting to some, because they see things from a different stand point. I understand that. This is my story, my view. I did not start this blog to bitch about people to make them look bad. I am not here to blame or point fingers. I started this to share my story. A story of MY life, from my view point. if you don't like what you are reading, you may stop and leave the page. I will not be offended. 

Most of my posts will be somewhat raw. It is the way the story goes. I often don't mince words or sugar coat. I'm a 'tell it like it is' kinda person. But more than that, I am not ashamed, embarrassed or regretful of my life. Is it what I thought it would be when I was 18 and heading out into the world? Lord no! My life has taken twists and turns down roads I could never had dreamed of. But at the end of the day, I wouldn't change a thing. Because I am damn proud of who I have become and if even one thing were different in my life, I may not be...ME.

Everyone has their own story. Everyone has heartache, tragedy and sorrow in their life. Anyone can find something to be happy or grateful about and good things to focus on too. It's all about choice. You can look at your life from a place of regret, but as long as you are looking back at the woulda, shoulda, coulda, life is passing you by. It's not how you fall down that defines you, it's whether you pick yourself up and keep on moving. Otherwise, you are just flailing on the ground, whining and crying over why things are the way they are. Why did this happen? I should have done this, I wish I had done that......Guess What. Who knows why it happens, who cares why it happened, you can't change any part of it. The most you can do is stand up, dust yourself off, look back and say, I would like to not have this happen again, learn from it turn around and walk away. Easy words, difficult action.

I was a 'flailer' for a long time. Most of my life, actually. Little lessons learned here and there, but I spent a good portion of my life comfortably blaming others for my situation, my problems. I struggled with regret, spending too much timing dwelling on things I should have done differently in my life. How things could have been different....woe is me, woe is me. I had the 'victim' down pretty good. This is of course, exacerbated by my own battles with depression and anxiety mixed with poor eating habits and high stress living. Which means I was a down right hot mess when the victim in me decided to come out.

Then came therapy (God Bless a good therapist) and a decision that I was tired of feeling sorry for myself all of the time. I was tired of being the victim. it didn't matter what happened in the past, yesterday or even five minutes ago, because it's over and done with and all of the wishing, crying or lamenting will not change that. What purpose am I serving wishing I could change something unchangeable? There is none. Life is a series of lessons, known or unknown. If we dwell on what we cannot change or how things could have been different, then you are missing the point of life.

I have said it before, I am far from perfect and filled with flaws. I am a classic Scorpio, I wear my heart on my sleeve and am incredibly emotional. Too emotional for many. My feelings get hurt quickly and deeply. I am working on that too. But it is just who I am. I have come to accept that about myself. I must focus on not letting myself or anyone else tell me I am a failure because of the choices have made. I could get buried in regret, if I allowed my self too. Every once in a while, I have to have a 'coming to Jesus' meeting with myself about my past and who I am today. And it is nothing short of a miracle that I am here today. So I hold my head up high that I have made it this far. 

I used to think, Ugh, If only I had not married my first husband, my life would be so different...but then the question becomes, would it be better? Who can answer? If I had not gotten pregnant (yes, it came first) and married this man, I would not have my children. And although raising children is often filled with heartache, I wouldn't change a thing about it. Not even their touch and go birth and first few months of life. It has taught me I have a deeper strength in me than I ever knew. I wouldn't change the first marriage I had, because It taught me I deserved to be respected and loved unconditionally and I mattered. I wouldn't change my years on a medication that made me crazy, as it has changed me forever in ways I cannot describe. I don't regret our move to California or the impending insanity that entered our lives from that moment on. It has, again, shown me my own strength to survive. Many things that have happened, I can honestly say I still am not sure of what the lesson was, but I am open to realize it when the moment is right. 

My issues with my family, my estrangement from them. There is no blame, no victimization for me They are who they are, I am who I am....in the end, I still don't regret where it's gone. I am stronger, more fierce, more determined to move forward and very proud of ME! I don't care who else is proud of me, because they do not define my worthiness. Only I do. And although my history could be seen as sad or tragic, I don't want to see it that way. Because as much as we wish things to be different, they aren't. And in some cases, they never will be. It must be accepted and you must move on. Realizing, you could be sad and blue about it, or you can find a positive lesson for your life and take it and move on down your path.

So as I shake the adrenaline rush from the morning email, as I absorb the wise words of my wonderful friends, I am reminded that this is my goal, No Regrets. No Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda.
He who lives in the past has no future. I want a future. I want peace, I want happiness and joy. You cannot have any of those things, truly, if you dwell in the past and live with regret and let life's lessons pass you by.

Another day in the journey for a peacful life. 

Thank You Teacher, Good Lesson