As many of you know, I try very hard to live a life of gratitude, to stop and appreciate the little things. I try to be present with the day and not dwell on the past or get too caught up in the future. I try to live the here and now. TRY. Too often I am not that successful. This is one of those times.
The Holidays are a tricky business for me. When I was a child, I cherished the long drives from Chicago to Nebraska for the holiday's, knowing in a few short hours, I would see my cousins, aunts, uncles, parents and grandparents. It was a magical time for me, regardless of the holiday. I so enjoyed spending time with them. Then divorce hit and trips grew less frequent. Age fell upon me and my selfish desire to live MY life stepped in. Then I grew up. What a sad day indeed.
As I had my own family, I tried to recreate those magical childhood memories for my own children. We spent many holiday's in Nebraska with family, or had big celebrations at our house, often inviting my daughter's father. I can only hope my children will someday fondly remember those holidays. I hope someday they will cherish those special letters from santa, the Christmas miracles that did occur. The cookie making, present wrapping and the joy of Christmas morning.
Those are the memories I long for right now. Holiday's have not been the easiest for us, as of late. My children moved in with their father when they were 13. From that moment on, there has been a shift in the holiday air. The simple joy of the holiday's have been marred by notes of anger, bitterness and resentment. The spirit of the season has been charged with negative and ultra-senstivie energy. The innocence is gone. This makes me very sad. This sadness is deep, and can get out of control if I allow it.
I have twins, to be 19 in exactly one month. My one daughter hates me, really hates my wife, and has not spoken to me in two years. Only intermittently between the age of 13 and now. And because I have the über dysfunctional family, my mother, father and my daughter's father, are all involved in this. Matter of fact, my brother, his wife and his kids are all involved too. NONE of them speak to me. We are evil, if you ask any of them. Well, My brother and I text on holiday's, and I do talk to one of my nieces'. But ultimately, I have only my one daughter who speaks to me.
She moved back to Arizona in June. Back to where her father lived. Back to her twin sister. I had a great fear that I would lose her with this move. It is hard to defend, even in your own mind, someone who is held with great disdain, by those around you. It wasn't a matter of questioning her love for me as her mother, but more of the 'out of sight, out of mind', especially when your are the perceived bad guy all the time. Alas, I had to pull myself out of my own head. A) She is 18, she doesn't think about me to begin with. B) sadly, neither my other daughter or anyone else in my family think about me to begin with. So the paranoia was self-involved to begin with.
Isn't it ironic? How being shut out by your whole family can turn your world into a state of paranoia and doubt? Now, when my daughter doesn't contact me on my birthday or on Thanksgiving, I somehow make it about me. Because I am hurt. Because I feel left out in the cold. I feel dejected, unloved and uncared for, because no one thought of me. My reaction is, 'Oh, of course, Dad's in town. Once again, he is super awesome and I am dog meat. Oh, and that's right, you won't call me on Christmas either, because you'll be with my mother, having a lovely family holiday that I am not included in, where i am sure unkind things are being said about me. Oh, ya, MY birthday isn't worthy of your attention, because you are busy with your boyfriend or your sister. All the while, we are planning and buying all of these great Christmas and birthday presents for you and your ungrateful sister who won't even speak to me!!'
So starts the train of despair and sorrow and anger.....It is a dark and cold train. Running through the Siberian night with it's doors wide open.
So, when I woke up in the middle of the night, crying and cold, I dwelled, stewed, wept and shook. I rose with a dark cloud over my heart. I woke with no Christmas spirit. I solely wanted to climb back in bed and pull the covers tight and block out the world and block out the hurt and block out the sorrow. But I can't do that. I can't lay down and die on that cold dark train. The Holiday spirit that I once loved and cherished is still within me. It is MY choice, not theirs, that I control. Only I can make this a wonderful holiday season. Only I can replace this sense of loss with my own love. I cannot make someone love me or think of me. I cannot make my family miss me. It is not my purpose here. I am not perfect and I have far from led a perfect life. I have made plenty of mistakes. But the past is the past. I have forgiven myself and learned from the things I have done and hopefully will lead a better life for it. But that is all I can do.
I did the best I could to raise my family and love those around me. I raised two great kids. One is just a lost and searching soul. I must have faith that some day my daughter will find her way back into my life. But I must also accept the fact this will most likely never happen. The damage caused by my mother and her father is too great. They have taught her to never forgive. But, again, I must accept this is nothing I can control.
I must accept that although my mother gave birth to me, this does not mean she will love me unconditionally. I cannot confuse my needs with her abilities. I have accepted that my adoptive father will just NEVER get past this word 'gay'. He has created this evil wicked world I live in and that is that. I must remember my niece's are young and have a lot of their own life lessons to learn.
I must remind myself that my other daughter is only being all that a soon-to-be 19 year old should be. I would love for her to think of me more often, but this is a selfish need of mine, because she is all I have left of this family I once knew. I am being selfish for expecting her to care the way I need her to care at this point. She is being normal, I am being needy. She is a beautiful soul and I am blessed to have her in my life.
Today I will spend the day enjoying, reflecting and cherishing the sweet little family I do have; my amazing wife, who has really shown me unconditional love and taught me anything good IS worth fighting for. And my three crazy dogs, who bring love and laughter into my life every day. I shall stand outside, albeit briefly, and breathe in the crisp, cold farm air. Garnering peace from this beautiful place we call home.
This year, I shall not allow the sadness to grab hold. This year, I am jumping off the train.
I shall write it down and release it. I shall simply 'set it free' and be content with the blessings I have. I shall remind myself that although she is my mother, I cannot make her love me or even be kind to or about me. I will remind myself that these children are not even 19. They are built to only think about themselves at this age. I shall not take their actions personally, as they are not acting with intention (well at least not one of them). I will remind myself that he is my wasband for a reason, and they are still as valid now as they were then.
The the most important message I will focus on telling myself over this holiday season is that I am LOVED. I am true, I am me and I am lovable, sweet, kind and caring, to those who are loving in my life. If someone; mother, father, daughter, niece or a jackhole down the block, does not want to be a part of my life, then that is their choice and their loss. This does not mean I will ever stop loving them. It just means I need to put that love in a little box, tie it with a bow and put it under the tree. If they want it, they can come and get it. It will be there year round. It will be there forever. If it is not reciprocated, that is fine. It will no longer define me. It only defines them. I shall tend to my wounded soul. Slowly heal the wounds and fill the empty spaces with love and light.
With that, I say to all of you who struggle through the holiday's, release the anger and pain and replace it with love and light. Or at least try.
Namaste
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