Thank You Teacher, Good Lesson.

This morning, I woke up to an email form someone unhappy with my previous blog. I was very upset about it. Other things were said in the email that cut me deep and I spent a good portion of the morning in tears. I had a reactionary response (something I am working on) and shared my distress with a few people. Their response was overwhelming. It was exactly what I needed. There was a lesson to be learned. I just had to stop reacting and listen and see what the lesson was. Today, I learned a lot, about myself, about my friends and about no regrets and letting go.

The last post was a raw and open one. It was pure in emotion and straight from my heart. This may be upsetting to some, because they see things from a different stand point. I understand that. This is my story, my view. I did not start this blog to bitch about people to make them look bad. I am not here to blame or point fingers. I started this to share my story. A story of MY life, from my view point. if you don't like what you are reading, you may stop and leave the page. I will not be offended. 

Most of my posts will be somewhat raw. It is the way the story goes. I often don't mince words or sugar coat. I'm a 'tell it like it is' kinda person. But more than that, I am not ashamed, embarrassed or regretful of my life. Is it what I thought it would be when I was 18 and heading out into the world? Lord no! My life has taken twists and turns down roads I could never had dreamed of. But at the end of the day, I wouldn't change a thing. Because I am damn proud of who I have become and if even one thing were different in my life, I may not be...ME.

Everyone has their own story. Everyone has heartache, tragedy and sorrow in their life. Anyone can find something to be happy or grateful about and good things to focus on too. It's all about choice. You can look at your life from a place of regret, but as long as you are looking back at the woulda, shoulda, coulda, life is passing you by. It's not how you fall down that defines you, it's whether you pick yourself up and keep on moving. Otherwise, you are just flailing on the ground, whining and crying over why things are the way they are. Why did this happen? I should have done this, I wish I had done that......Guess What. Who knows why it happens, who cares why it happened, you can't change any part of it. The most you can do is stand up, dust yourself off, look back and say, I would like to not have this happen again, learn from it turn around and walk away. Easy words, difficult action.

I was a 'flailer' for a long time. Most of my life, actually. Little lessons learned here and there, but I spent a good portion of my life comfortably blaming others for my situation, my problems. I struggled with regret, spending too much timing dwelling on things I should have done differently in my life. How things could have been different....woe is me, woe is me. I had the 'victim' down pretty good. This is of course, exacerbated by my own battles with depression and anxiety mixed with poor eating habits and high stress living. Which means I was a down right hot mess when the victim in me decided to come out.

Then came therapy (God Bless a good therapist) and a decision that I was tired of feeling sorry for myself all of the time. I was tired of being the victim. it didn't matter what happened in the past, yesterday or even five minutes ago, because it's over and done with and all of the wishing, crying or lamenting will not change that. What purpose am I serving wishing I could change something unchangeable? There is none. Life is a series of lessons, known or unknown. If we dwell on what we cannot change or how things could have been different, then you are missing the point of life.

I have said it before, I am far from perfect and filled with flaws. I am a classic Scorpio, I wear my heart on my sleeve and am incredibly emotional. Too emotional for many. My feelings get hurt quickly and deeply. I am working on that too. But it is just who I am. I have come to accept that about myself. I must focus on not letting myself or anyone else tell me I am a failure because of the choices have made. I could get buried in regret, if I allowed my self too. Every once in a while, I have to have a 'coming to Jesus' meeting with myself about my past and who I am today. And it is nothing short of a miracle that I am here today. So I hold my head up high that I have made it this far. 

I used to think, Ugh, If only I had not married my first husband, my life would be so different...but then the question becomes, would it be better? Who can answer? If I had not gotten pregnant (yes, it came first) and married this man, I would not have my children. And although raising children is often filled with heartache, I wouldn't change a thing about it. Not even their touch and go birth and first few months of life. It has taught me I have a deeper strength in me than I ever knew. I wouldn't change the first marriage I had, because It taught me I deserved to be respected and loved unconditionally and I mattered. I wouldn't change my years on a medication that made me crazy, as it has changed me forever in ways I cannot describe. I don't regret our move to California or the impending insanity that entered our lives from that moment on. It has, again, shown me my own strength to survive. Many things that have happened, I can honestly say I still am not sure of what the lesson was, but I am open to realize it when the moment is right. 

My issues with my family, my estrangement from them. There is no blame, no victimization for me They are who they are, I am who I am....in the end, I still don't regret where it's gone. I am stronger, more fierce, more determined to move forward and very proud of ME! I don't care who else is proud of me, because they do not define my worthiness. Only I do. And although my history could be seen as sad or tragic, I don't want to see it that way. Because as much as we wish things to be different, they aren't. And in some cases, they never will be. It must be accepted and you must move on. Realizing, you could be sad and blue about it, or you can find a positive lesson for your life and take it and move on down your path.

So as I shake the adrenaline rush from the morning email, as I absorb the wise words of my wonderful friends, I am reminded that this is my goal, No Regrets. No Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda.
He who lives in the past has no future. I want a future. I want peace, I want happiness and joy. You cannot have any of those things, truly, if you dwell in the past and live with regret and let life's lessons pass you by.

Another day in the journey for a peacful life. 

Thank You Teacher, Good Lesson

Influence and the Power of Words

I have a friend who has been telling me lately that she admires me and admires my strength. She has been inspired by me because I tell it like I see it and I don't care what people think. She told me she is taking back control of her life because I reminder that she CAN have control. I don't even know what to say when I hear this, because I see myself simply as someone who is just trying to survive. I am humbled to the soul that anyone would see me and find admiration, as I never felt admirable growing up. I was always told, if I was just a little ".....", different, I would be better. So admiration is a weird word for me. I am uncomfortable with being admired, as I don't know if I am admirable in such a form. I am merely a girl, surviving, best I can, in this world. I will say I have had a very long journey in this life, and many lessons have been learned. But still, I am just a floundering fish out of water most of the time, the word admiration leaves me floundering even more. I feel a sense of responsibility with it. Not that I don't try to live a better life, a truer life, because I do. I indeed try to live a grateful life. To release the past, release the anger and pain and focus on the present. I do.  

I also speak my mind. As my wife says, I have no filter. I often don't. I don't say things to shock, I just say things I feel. I call it as I see it. I do wear my heart on my sleeve and it is open and raw and out there. Often it makes people uneasy, because they don't know what to say. I don't share what has happened in my life to garner a response. I share because it makes the weight of the world lighter. The more I share my story, the more it simpley becomes part of the story, part of my journey, part of who I am,  it no longer controls me. Well, at least not all of the time. And, for me, this is a great stride. I have not been best at dealing with life. I am prone to anxiety attacks, and was, for a while, almost house bound with anxiety. I have had my fair share of panic attacks and vertigo. I have allowed myself to be emotionally beaten up, and fall into horrible depressions. I am my own worst enemy, with out question. So, this is why admiration for me is an awkward subject. I try to appreciate life, but sometimes, I am lucky and happy to survive a day. My have banished many demons from my life, and many have stayed away. There are a few family demons that are harder to fight. I still battle insecurities, my mother, wasband and children can get to me in a heart beat, but I try to not let them take control, or at least not for too long.

I try to focus and pull myself back from the cliff's edge, amidst the chaos, and focus on today, the here and now. Be mindful of the morning shadows, of the steer's bellow. Relish the goofy dog who tromps round the yard with giant stick. The crisp country air and the bright night stars. I try to remind myself of my greater purpose. It may not be clear to me yet, but there is one. And I have reached the point in my life, where, if I you are not in my life to bring joy, love and laughter or anything else positive, then you are not worth being in my life. I have lived through heartache, and I have my fair share of it now. I will no longer bring in negativity into my life.

In the end, I guess my friend has had a significant impact on me by telling me she admired me. As, now, I admire her for taking charge of her life and working towards living a happy life. I am inspired by her, to share, that no matter where you are, this is only part of your journey, and your path is forever changing. Embrace it. Make it the best it can be. Find happiness in all that you can, even the smallest of things can change your life for the better.

Peace

Taking Control of the Holiday Blues

As many of you know, I try very hard to live a life of gratitude, to stop and appreciate the little things. I try to be present with the day and not dwell on the past or get too caught up in the future. I try to live the here and now. TRY. Too often I am not that successful. This is one of those times.

The Holidays are a tricky business for me. When I was a child, I cherished the long drives from Chicago to Nebraska for the holiday's, knowing in a few short hours, I would see my cousins, aunts, uncles, parents and grandparents. It was a magical time for me, regardless of the holiday. I so enjoyed spending time with them. Then divorce hit and trips grew less frequent. Age fell upon me and my selfish desire to live MY life stepped in. Then I grew up. What a sad day indeed.

As I had my own family, I tried to recreate those magical childhood memories for my own children. We spent many holiday's in Nebraska with family, or had big celebrations at our house, often inviting my daughter's father. I can only hope my children will someday fondly remember those holidays. I hope someday they will cherish those special letters from santa, the Christmas miracles that did occur. The cookie making, present wrapping and the joy of Christmas morning.

Those are the memories I long for right now. Holiday's have not been the easiest for us, as of late. My children moved in with their father when they were 13. From that moment on, there has been a shift in the holiday air. The simple joy of the holiday's have been marred by notes of anger, bitterness and resentment. The spirit of the season has been charged with negative and ultra-senstivie energy. The innocence is gone. This makes me very sad. This sadness is deep, and can get out of control if I allow it.

I have twins, to be 19 in exactly one month. My one daughter hates me, really hates my wife, and has not spoken to me in two years. Only intermittently between the age of 13 and now. And because I have the über dysfunctional family, my mother, father and my daughter's father, are all involved in this. Matter of fact, my brother, his wife and his kids are all involved too. NONE of them speak to me. We are evil, if you ask any of them. Well, My brother and I text on holiday's, and I do talk to one of my nieces'. But ultimately, I have only my one daughter who speaks to me.

She moved back to Arizona in June. Back to where her father lived. Back to her twin sister. I had a great fear that I would lose her with this move. It is hard to defend, even in your own mind, someone who is held with great disdain, by those around you. It wasn't a matter of questioning her love for me as her mother, but more of the 'out of sight, out of mind', especially when your are the perceived bad guy all the time.  Alas, I had to pull myself out of my own head. A) She is 18, she doesn't think about me to begin with. B) sadly, neither my other daughter or anyone else in my family think about me to begin with. So the paranoia was self-involved to begin with.

Isn't it ironic? How being shut out by your whole family can turn your world into a state of paranoia and doubt? Now, when my daughter doesn't contact me on my birthday or on Thanksgiving, I somehow make it about me. Because I am hurt. Because I feel left out in the cold. I feel dejected, unloved and uncared for, because no one thought of me. My reaction is, 'Oh, of course, Dad's in town. Once again, he is super awesome and I am dog meat. Oh, and that's right, you won't call me on Christmas either, because you'll be with my mother, having a lovely family holiday that I am not included in, where i am sure unkind things are being said about me. Oh, ya, MY birthday isn't worthy of your attention, because you are busy with your boyfriend or your sister. All the while, we are planning and buying all of these great  Christmas and birthday presents for you and your ungrateful sister who won't even speak to me!!'

So starts the train of despair and sorrow and anger.....It is a dark and cold train. Running through the Siberian night with it's doors wide open.

So, when I woke up in the middle of the night, crying and cold, I dwelled, stewed, wept and shook. I rose with a dark cloud over my heart. I woke with no Christmas spirit. I solely wanted to climb back in bed and pull the covers tight and block out the world and block out the hurt and block out the sorrow. But I can't do that. I can't lay down and die on that cold dark train. The Holiday spirit that I once loved and cherished is still within me. It is MY choice, not theirs, that I control. Only I can make this a wonderful holiday season. Only I can replace this sense of loss with my own love. I cannot make someone love me or think of me. I cannot make my family miss me. It is not my purpose here. I am not perfect and I have far from led a perfect life. I have made plenty of mistakes. But the past is the past. I have forgiven myself and learned from the things I have done and hopefully will lead a better life for it. But that is all I can do.

I did the best I could to raise my family and love those around me. I raised two great kids. One is just a lost and searching soul. I must have faith that some day my daughter will find her way back into my life. But I must also accept the fact this will most likely never happen. The damage caused by my mother and her father is too great. They have taught her to never forgive. But, again, I must accept this is nothing I can control.
I must accept that although my mother gave birth to me, this does not mean she will love me unconditionally. I cannot confuse my needs with her abilities. I have accepted that my adoptive father will just NEVER get past this word 'gay'. He has created this evil wicked world I live in and that is that. I must remember my niece's are young and have a lot of their own life lessons to learn.
I must remind myself that my other daughter is only being all that a soon-to-be 19 year old should be. I would love for her to think of me more often, but this is a selfish need of mine, because she is all I have left of this family I once knew. I am being selfish for expecting her to care the way I need her to care at this point. She is being normal, I am being needy. She is a beautiful soul and I am blessed to have her in my life.

Today I will spend the day enjoying, reflecting and cherishing the sweet little family I do have; my amazing wife, who has really shown me unconditional love and taught me anything good IS worth fighting for. And my three crazy dogs, who bring love and laughter into my life every day. I shall stand outside, albeit briefly, and breathe in the crisp, cold farm air. Garnering peace from this beautiful place we call home.

This year, I shall not allow the sadness to grab hold. This year, I am jumping off the train.
I shall write it down and release it. I shall simply 'set it free' and be content with the blessings I have. I shall remind myself that although she is my mother, I cannot make her love me or even be kind to or about me. I will remind myself that these children are not even 19. They are built to only think about themselves at this age. I shall not take their actions personally, as they are not acting with intention (well at least not one of them). I will remind myself that he is my wasband for a reason, and they are still as valid now as they were then.

The the most important message I will focus on telling myself over this holiday season is that I am LOVED. I am true, I am me and I am lovable, sweet, kind and caring, to those who are loving in my life. If someone; mother, father, daughter, niece or a jackhole down the block, does not want to be a part of my life, then that is their choice and their loss. This does not mean I will ever stop loving them. It just means I need to put that love in a little box, tie it with a bow and put it under the tree. If they want it, they can come and get it. It will be there year round. It will be there forever. If it is not reciprocated, that is fine. It will no longer define me. It only defines them. I shall tend to my wounded soul. Slowly heal the wounds and fill the empty spaces with love and light.
With that, I say to all of you who struggle through the holiday's, release the anger and pain and replace it with love and light. Or at least try.
Namaste