Taking Inventory

It has been a very long time since I have sat down to write. Too long. Or just long enough, it's hard to say. Winter was long and dark for me. My little haven in the country, my place to heal, had served it's best and worst purpose. I felt safe. I felt comfortable with me. My heart was starting to unclench....Then  I recieved a rather aggressive email from someone regarding a post I had made. Even though I know they are only words. Letters on a screen, with no actual power, they stab at the heart with the force of a dagger. The known intent is enough to rupture the delicate layer of new skin. To bring about a flood of tears and anger, and sadness and grief that clung to my soul well into the Spring.
I had made myself a promise to get back into the world. To get back to writing. Get back to LIVING!!!
So as Summer began, I made a promise to my wife that we would not spend the whole summer working our tails off; too exhausted to do anything and enjoy ourselves. So we did. A big part of that, for me, was walking away from social media. When you are sad and depressed, social media is your best friend. But my wife had already missed out of so much of me through the winter, it was important I make that commitment to her that we are the priority.
We went shopping for plants and fixed the front and sides of the house. We mulched and built stone outlines to the mulch. We put up our little pool. It's nothing fancy, but we swam almost every day. On hot nights, after we got home from work, we would go for midnights swims, looking up at the millions and millions of stars overhead. We would stare at the Milky Way,
 wondering what it must be like up there. Breathe in the damp country air, while the crickets and grasshoppers look for their mates and fireflies dance in the treetops.
We took leisurely drives and listened to great music. We stopped to appreciate the breathtaking views and magical places. We went to concerts and campouts and parties and dinners. We laughed, we cried and we loved; ourselves, our friends, our job, our lives. We were LIVING! It sounds so silly to say. I mean, duh! Of course we're living. But, the question is, how much living are you doing? At least, that was my question. I stopped living. It's not really a matter of when, but more of a 'which time?'
Depression often does that to a person. Throw in a cold, dark and dreary winter and it can spell disaster. I am so very blessed to have friends who caught me before I fell too far and a wife who climbed down to lift me up. I was raised up, off of the ground. Held, hugged, and loved. I was dusted off, cleaned up and sent back out to continue to LIVE. It is what I must do. It is what we all must do. We need to live each day as if it's the only day we have.

At least that is what I have to do. I realize that I only short change myself for allowing another's opnion of me to change who I am. I have the choice to allow someone to hurt me with their words. This summer, I decided to take that power back. It's far to powerful to be floating around, willy nilly, out there for anyone to use against me. Nope. Not me. Not anymore. Well, not if I can help it, right?

It's as if you close your eyes for so long. To protect yourself, to not see what's going on around you. Because, much like dog thought, if I can't see it, it can't see me, then it can't hurt me. But you squeeze so tight, praying not to see the bad, that you no longer see the sunshine, a rainbow or a spectacular sunset.

It's scary to open your eyes. I know. And I know I may well stumble into darkness again and find myself clinching my eyes. I know I will always find my way back to the light. I know I am blessed with those who are in my life and love me. I know there are few Angels here on earth who are watching out for me. I know I am not alone. We are brought here to this beautiful earth for a purpose. I feel I am just really starting to understand what mine is. A big part of that is recognizing the importance of 'today'. Yesterday is gone and it cannot be changed, tomorrow is yet to be. All we can do is live for today. This is what I am trying to do. I am trying to focus on the present, and the blessings that surround me. The beauty that is around us. This is a journey. This is a beginning. The end is yet to be written and that is a beautiful thing. 

Now, after learning to apreciate LIFE I need to start appreciate ME and take better care of my physical being, now that I have a jump start on my spiritual being.... but that's another post. 

I hope your day ends in peace- 

Namasté

Finding Sacred Ground

We moved out to the farm in june of last year. It seems like eons ago, but it was just a few months, seven, to be exact.  The summer was a blur of weddings and prep work in this industry. A flurry of 'ready for this' and 'ready for that', you don't really get to enjoy much of the summer. With the level of stress we were under leading up to the move and the first month or so, it's a wonder I remember much.  But the one thing I did know, was after every long job, after every exhausting unloading of a truck at 1:00 am, after a 16 hour day, I knew I was coming home to our little farm. Our little piece of heaven that no one could touch. No matter how busy and crazy we were, we were always coming back to our home. Our new sacred space. In the beginning, we were surrounded by boxes. But bit by bit, box by box, we were able to unpack. Fully unpack. We, okay Carolyn, unpacked things that hadn't been out of their boxes since we moved too California ten years earlier. We had our stuff and we had a new home. A real home, with life and soul and a pulse, if you will. Something our previous house did not have. We moved to the farm and our windows went open, and the farmland came in. Often, I was serenaded to sleep by the crickets and coyotes. I so often find myself standing still, just listening, feeling, being. It has been quite magical, a divine intervention, if you will.

I have also found myself withdrawing from the world. not in a bad way, per se, but just more of a hibernation state. It is January now, and I don't want to go anywhere unless I absolutely have to. I know that seems odd, to become almost a recluse, but for me, it is the first time in so many years that I am somewhat stress free. My shoulders are returning to a relaxed state, by breathing has slowed to a normal pace. I wake each morning, knowing I will see a pole barn full of hay and a field across the way, playing it's part in the cycle of life. I look out at the birds, flitting to and fro between branches. Dancing ever so delicately with each other to balance on the edge of the feeder. The squirrel waiting on the ground below for the extra seeds to be knocked to the ground. I watch my dogs tromp and run with nature. A game of chase with the cat that joined our clan unexpectedly in July. Or the pure joy of a stick in the yard. They are at peace here too.

People say, "We never see you any more". I say, I know and I am sorry. But I have spent the last six years in a whirlwind of insanity and heartache. Doctor's appointments and school meetings. Fighting and crying and pleading and praying. I have watched my family fall apart, and fought like hell to keep that from happening, to no avail. I am tired. There is no other way to put it, just TIRED. I lost myself to medication, fought back from the brink of crazy because of it, I have fought hard for the well being and safety of my children. I have fought off horrible rumors, created by family, attacks from people who think they 'know' everything about my life. I have suffered near fatal emotional wounds from people I had considered close friends, and had to make heart wrenching decisions regarding my own children that no parent should ever have to face. And I am exhausted.

I have almost completely shut myself off from the real world, in a physical sense. I do my job, socialize when I have to, and then, I retreat. To our little farm, our little gem of peace and calm and silence. To rest, to heal, to recover. I am sure this is a dream for most. It sounds ideal, right? Peace and quite, away from it all. But in reality, you cannot escape the world. At least not forever. I have been healing. Processing and healing. My soul had been deeply wounded. So deeply, many days I wondered if it could be healed at all. Many days in the past six years I wondered if I had the strength to get through it. If it wasn't an issue with one of the children, it was a new story being told about my 'wicked' life. An economy heading south and hours cut at work, adding financial strain. Add in the physical aggression from the children, fighting with carolyn, the doctors appointments, hospital trips and constant state of fear, it was a wonder I wasn't highly medicated and hospitalized myself.

I held on. I cannot tell you exactly how, but I did. I did the 'bob and weave' for six straight years. You reach a point where you are afraid to stop moving. If you stop, it may all collapse around you. If you just keep moving, somehow it will keep going. These are irrational thoughts from someone living a high catastrophe life. Even in the Spring of last year, I was still fighting for this crazy world I had not fully created, but was existing in. It was constant calamity and dysfunction at it's worst, but it had been my world for so long, I held on to it, I fought for it, I defended it...until I could defend it no more.

I was on the verge of cracking, falling into a million little shards. Far to many to ever put back together. I could feel it approaching, the shattering from the inside. A rattling at my core, a shift in my being. I was afraid, I was hollow, I was losing everything I fought so hard for. I could take no more.

And then, like a gift from the universe, a friend told me about a little farm house, out in the country, away from it all. The owner was in need of a tenant, and I in need of a home. One look, one breath of air on this little hobby farm, and I knew this was what was meant to happen. This was my new home. This was where I was meant to be, to rest, to heal, to learn to live again.

This little farm has become my sacred ground, my sanctuary; special and private. I have only invited a few people to visit. That is how sacred this place is to me right now. I have a lot of pain in my soul, a lot of tending and mending to do. This is what I needed. A place for the healing to begin. A place where I could just 'be'. Where I could start to feel the emotions I have shelved and locked away. The pain that settled into my body like a skeletal cloak, so deep, so heavy it weighs you down. Wounds that were old, years and years old, that never healed, but oozed and seeped, reminding you they are still here. Too many wounds to count, too much pain to quantify.

After a while, it becomes part of you. Not a great part, not one you talk about. Just a secret part of you that very few people know about. An itch that you can never really scratch, a deep ache that never really goes away. You learn to manage it, ignore it, look past it. There was no more of that once I got here. I knew this was where I was going to release the pain and set myself free.

And so I write. This is my journey out of the darkness. This is my story, of healing, of hope of personal forgiveness and forgiveness of others. For me. My little farm, my sacred ground has reminded me of the beauty on the world, of the pureness of nature, the precious magic of life and every day is a cherished gift.

So, I heal. Slowly. Because healing means dealing. Dealing with the past, taking control, giving these emotions a name and a place. Feeling them instead of shelving them. Letting my head, heart and soul actually respond to this pain, this grief, this sorrow and then sending it down the lane of life's past roads. These feeling will not be ignored or set as aide any more. They deserve to be felt, heard and dealt with.

My wounded soul is beginning to heal. I know it will be a long process, and not always pretty. Many tears will fall and my heart will hurt again as I process things that have happened, but with each issue, with every moment I allow myself to process, my soul is mending, healing and rejuvenating. Yes, there will be scarring, and those scars will never go away. But one day, soon, those scars will become badges of courage, of survival. I will have made it to the other side, whole again, renewed, more refined.

My hope is, in writing this down, someone out there, who has felt as alone and beaten down and scared as I have felt, they will realize they are not alone. There is hope, there is a light. I will be here holding it for you to follow, and we can make it to the other side together.

Let the Arrow Soar

I came across this meme a while back and it really resonated right now. The end of the year/beginning of the year is often a time of reflections and resolutions. Too often, we reflect negatively on the past year. We see failures and 'shoulda, woulda, coulda's'. We see the weight we didn't lose or that we already gained back, the goals we didn't meet, we see the adventures we never took. We vow this next year, we will be different. We WILL lose that weight, we WILL read 30 books, we WILL do that 5K. We spend a lot of self-loathing and then making false promises to be different next year.

I suggest we try something new this year. And I know it is a week into 2013, but it's never to late to change your perspective.

What if you looked at it this way:

Last year was a tough year. The last two...hell the last 6 years have not been easy. But I am still standing. I reflect on the last year as my arrow being pulled back, waaaay back! I have learned so much this year, about myself, about what I can and can't control and what I really want for me and for my relationship, for my business. I have learned lots and lots of lessons.

I learned who real friends were, and who were meant to be in my life for just a while. I learned how to stand, tall and proud, in defense of not only myself, but of my wife and family. I have reached that great point in life, where an opinion is just that, an opinion. If I don't like what you have to say, I don't have to listen. If you do not like me, so be it. Have a safe journey through life. I realize now, the number of friends you have means nothing if they are not real friends.

I have learned if I do not change how I behave, I cannot expect anyone to behave differently. I recognized I can be very selfish and childish with my needs and I must be more aware of this in the present. I discovered the type of person I really want and need to be, and that person is not mean or cruel, she does not dwell on the past or bathe in negativity. I rediscovered the power of mother nature and her glory and beauty. I was reminded how the winds sounds and grass feels between your toes. The joy of a goofy dog galloping across a field, tongue flapping in the breeze or standing under a summer moon and just breathing in the silence.

I was reminded this past year, that if I don't love and honor myself, how can expect anyone else to do the same.

I rediscovered how it feels to be stress-free and happy and have a good night's sleep and I do not EVER want to go back. and that sometimes you need to retreat and heal, and that's okay.

So 2012, THANK YOU! Thank you for reminding me that in order to shot an arrow forward, you've got to pull back. 

2013-I am so very ready to be shot into the bright beautiful sky and see where I land. Because wherever I land, I will make the very best of it. I look forward to the twists and turns and crazy adventures you shall lay before me. I am so grateful to be alive, to be blessed with a great and growing partner in life and business and a group of amazing people who support us along the way.

Welcome 2013. It's going to be one hell of a year!!