Monday, September 16, 2013

Taking Inventory

It has been a very long time since I have sat down to write. Too long. Or just long enough, it's hard to say. Winter was long and dark for me. My little haven in the country, my place to heal, had served it's best and worst purpose. I felt safe. I felt comfortable with me. My heart was starting to unclench....Then  I recieved a rather aggressive email from someone regarding a post I had made. Even though I know they are only words. Letters on a screen, with no actual power, they stab at the heart with the force of a dagger. The known intent is enough to rupture the delicate layer of new skin. To bring about a flood of tears and anger, and sadness and grief that clung to my soul well into the Spring.
I had made myself a promise to get back into the world. To get back to writing. Get back to LIVING!!!
So as Summer began, I made a promise to my wife that we would not spend the whole summer working our tails off; too exhausted to do anything and enjoy ourselves. So we did. A big part of that, for me, was walking away from social media. When you are sad and depressed, social media is your best friend. But my wife had already missed out of so much of me through the winter, it was important I make that commitment to her that we are the priority.
We went shopping for plants and fixed the front and sides of the house. We mulched and built stone outlines to the mulch. We put up our little pool. It's nothing fancy, but we swam almost every day. On hot nights, after we got home from work, we would go for midnights swims, looking up at the millions and millions of stars overhead. We would stare at the Milky Way,
 wondering what it must be like up there. Breathe in the damp country air, while the crickets and grasshoppers look for their mates and fireflies dance in the treetops.
We took leisurely drives and listened to great music. We stopped to appreciate the breathtaking views and magical places. We went to concerts and campouts and parties and dinners. We laughed, we cried and we loved; ourselves, our friends, our job, our lives. We were LIVING! It sounds so silly to say. I mean, duh! Of course we're living. But, the question is, how much living are you doing? At least, that was my question. I stopped living. It's not really a matter of when, but more of a 'which time?'
Depression often does that to a person. Throw in a cold, dark and dreary winter and it can spell disaster. I am so very blessed to have friends who caught me before I fell too far and a wife who climbed down to lift me up. I was raised up, off of the ground. Held, hugged, and loved. I was dusted off, cleaned up and sent back out to continue to LIVE. It is what I must do. It is what we all must do. We need to live each day as if it's the only day we have.

At least that is what I have to do. I realize that I only short change myself for allowing another's opnion of me to change who I am. I have the choice to allow someone to hurt me with their words. This summer, I decided to take that power back. It's far to powerful to be floating around, willy nilly, out there for anyone to use against me. Nope. Not me. Not anymore. Well, not if I can help it, right?

It's as if you close your eyes for so long. To protect yourself, to not see what's going on around you. Because, much like dog thought, if I can't see it, it can't see me, then it can't hurt me. But you squeeze so tight, praying not to see the bad, that you no longer see the sunshine, a rainbow or a spectacular sunset.

It's scary to open your eyes. I know. And I know I may well stumble into darkness again and find myself clinching my eyes. I know I will always find my way back to the light. I know I am blessed with those who are in my life and love me. I know there are few Angels here on earth who are watching out for me. I know I am not alone. We are brought here to this beautiful earth for a purpose. I feel I am just really starting to understand what mine is. A big part of that is recognizing the importance of 'today'. Yesterday is gone and it cannot be changed, tomorrow is yet to be. All we can do is live for today. This is what I am trying to do. I am trying to focus on the present, and the blessings that surround me. The beauty that is around us. This is a journey. This is a beginning. The end is yet to be written and that is a beautiful thing. 
Now, after learning to apreciate LIFE I need to start appreciate ME and take better care of my physical being, now that I have a jump start on my spiritual being.... but that's another post. 
I hope your day ends in peace- 
Namasté

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