I have a friend who has been telling me lately that she admires me and admires my strength. She has been inspired by me because I tell it like I see it and I don't care what people think. She told me she is taking back control of her life because I reminder that she CAN have control. I don't even know what to say when I hear this, because I see myself simply as someone who is just trying to survive. I am humbled to the soul that anyone would see me and find admiration, as I never felt admirable growing up. I was always told, if I was just a little ".....", different, I would be better. So admiration is a weird word for me. I am uncomfortable with being admired, as I don't know if I am admirable in such a form. I am merely a girl, surviving, best I can, in this world. I will say I have had a very long journey in this life, and many lessons have been learned. But still, I am just a floundering fish out of water most of the time, the word admiration leaves me floundering even more. I feel a sense of responsibility with it. Not that I don't try to live a better life, a truer life, because I do. I indeed try to live a grateful life. To release the past, release the anger and pain and focus on the present. I do.
I also speak my mind. As my wife says, I have no filter. I often don't. I don't say things to shock, I just say things I feel. I call it as I see it. I do wear my heart on my sleeve and it is open and raw and out there. Often it makes people uneasy, because they don't know what to say. I don't share what has happened in my life to garner a response. I share because it makes the weight of the world lighter. The more I share my story, the more it simpley becomes part of the story, part of my journey, part of who I am, it no longer controls me. Well, at least not all of the time. And, for me, this is a great stride. I have not been best at dealing with life. I am prone to anxiety attacks, and was, for a while, almost house bound with anxiety. I have had my fair share of panic attacks and vertigo. I have allowed myself to be emotionally beaten up, and fall into horrible depressions. I am my own worst enemy, with out question. So, this is why admiration for me is an awkward subject. I try to appreciate life, but sometimes, I am lucky and happy to survive a day. My have banished many demons from my life, and many have stayed away. There are a few family demons that are harder to fight. I still battle insecurities, my mother, wasband and children can get to me in a heart beat, but I try to not let them take control, or at least not for too long.
I try to focus and pull myself back from the cliff's edge, amidst the chaos, and focus on today, the here and now. Be mindful of the morning shadows, of the steer's bellow. Relish the goofy dog who tromps round the yard with giant stick. The crisp country air and the bright night stars. I try to remind myself of my greater purpose. It may not be clear to me yet, but there is one. And I have reached the point in my life, where, if I you are not in my life to bring joy, love and laughter or anything else positive, then you are not worth being in my life. I have lived through heartache, and I have my fair share of it now. I will no longer bring in negativity into my life.
In the end, I guess my friend has had a significant impact on me by telling me she admired me. As, now, I admire her for taking charge of her life and working towards living a happy life. I am inspired by her, to share, that no matter where you are, this is only part of your journey, and your path is forever changing. Embrace it. Make it the best it can be. Find happiness in all that you can, even the smallest of things can change your life for the better.
Peace
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